Clear Eyes, Full Heart, Can't Lose.

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Let me just be honest, the only word that comes to mind as I try to describe the past six-ish weeks since I have last posted is "HARD." The past couple months have been extremely hard. Life here has been extremely harder than I could have ever planned or prepared for. 

But there is a flip side -- God is good. Scripture tells me that His yoke is EASY and His burden is light. The exact opposite of what this missionary life offers. In addition, I have been learning (very clearly) that if I love my life, I will lose it. If I choose the things I want over the things God wants, then I am not living the life God desires for me. It sounds so simple writing that out, but I have been wrestling with this truth for weeks. In fact, Jesus taught His disciples that this life really is hard, but we can have peace when we are focused on Him. 

Wrestling is exhausting, it is tiring and has weighed me down. Especially when in the moment, I don't know why or what I am wrestling. Of course now I know I have a great enemy. One of my teammates and I have been listening to Don't Give the Enemy a Seat at Your Table, a phenomenal book by Louie Giglio, while we walk together. Pastor Louie shared something about quicksand that changed my life and thought process. He clarified (I'm paraphrasing here) that while quicksand can be deadly, it's not a death like cartoons portray. Most people that get trapped in quicksand die from exhaustion while they're trying to escape -- they essentially kill themselves striving. And boy have I been striving lately. It is so easy to look around, compare my life to others and strive to be enough, strive to know a language that takes years to perfect, strive to not be exhausted when my physical body is overwhelmed, strive to be everything for everyone around me, and fail. I strive and I don't add up. But that's okay, because God tells me the equation for true life is Jesus + nothing. That's it. No comparing, no striving. Jesus plus nothing. Striving is exhausting and it is deadly, but Jesus brings life to the fullest. 

For me, that doesn't mean throw in the towel and give up or stop working hard or stop trying to assimilate but it means that I don't have to kill myself trying. There is grace and it is sufficient. 

Last week, I served with a team of surgeons and support workers that were here to perform cataract surgery. They were here to help people see. I wasn't supposed to be on the team with them but I got the privilege of hanging out for the majority of the week and would you believe that they helped me see too? I didn't have my eyeball under a scalpel, but they helped me see Jesus. In conversations during the day, playing an intense game of 20 Questions at dinner, and watching how the team leaders led with patience and worked hard to understand their team in order to lead well, I learned SO much. I am still processing all that just watching their team taught me. A few things to jot down now though include starting with people at square one - not judging their past or listening to what others say about them, the importance of communicating to improve your life and lives of others, and that absolutely no one has it all together at all times. 

A mentor and very dear friend in my life was also on the team and it did my heart so much good to be able to look her in the face, cry, and embrace her for a hug on a random Tuesday then laugh and praise Jesus in the same breath. I think I've said this before, but I am learning that both grief and joy can exist in one moment. This friend has let Jesus use her for many years in my life and she has seen me fumble through many seasons. I think it was so important for her to be physically present in this season so she could grab my face and tell me to just focus on Jesus. What a sweet reminder that when my view is on Him, He allows me to see clearly. He is the Truth, Satan is the accuser. Jesus is life, Satan brings death. If I focus on the bad, if I struggle in quicksand, then I die from exhaustion. If I only be still and let Jesus rescue me from my thoughts, then my joy is restored and I am sustained with a willing spirit ready to do His work. Which brings me to the title of this post and one of my favorite Coach Taylor (if you know, you know) quotes, "Clear eyes, full heart, can't lose." When my vision is clear, my actions can be clear too and my joy is restored. 

So, today I am praising God that my vision is clear again and my joy has been restored. I know its an ongoing process, and is by no means a linear one. But I am grateful to be on the rollercoaster of this missionary life and am fully trusting God as the operator. 


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